I'm writing an article about parenting a queer child

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rorystorm
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Post 01 Feb 2023

So, I know this is completely outside the scope of this forum!!

I'm going to be writing an article about parenting a queer child - particularly although not exclusively parenting children and young people who have transitioned or are thinking about it. As a parent with a nonbinary kid I've hated all the literature aimed at people like me, which is all very negative.

I'd like to have as many voices as possible: people's experiences, what they'd like to say to the parents of a queer child, whatever - I'm keeping it open and informal. So, please feel free to PM me if you'd like to lend me your thoughts as a parent, teacher or member of the LGBTQI communities. Any information I receive will be treated completely confidentially and anonymised.

A sadly cautionary note: I'm not going to be discussing the politics of this. If you stand with JK Rowling, that's cool: I absolutely respect your opinion, and you can respect mine!

PhillipOrdonez
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Post 01 Feb 2023

Standing with terfs can't be cool though, right? Not asking your opinion —you've already stated your opinion and not looking to debate with anyone about this, I'm just thinking out loud. 🤔

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MrFigg
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Post 01 Feb 2023

Best thing you can do as a parent in my opinion is to support them in being who they are. That's it.
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miyaru
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Post 01 Feb 2023

MrFigg wrote:
01 Feb 2023
Best thing you can do as a parent in my opinion is to support them in being who they are. That's it.
I second to that, that is the philisophy in my opinion......
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Jac459
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Post 01 Feb 2023

MrFigg wrote:
01 Feb 2023
Best thing you can do as a parent in my opinion is to support them in being who they are. That's it.
I think that's the main guideline indeed...

After I must admit that while I have 3 kids, I would have hard time to know how to implement this "to support them" on such a case.

I mean, beyond assuring him/her of my unconditional love and being an hear to listen, I wouldn't know which advises would be the good to give...
So I guess such an article could help others. Especially if the OP thinks he did mistakes and can warn others about it...
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MrFigg
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Post 01 Feb 2023

Jac459 wrote:
01 Feb 2023
MrFigg wrote:
01 Feb 2023
Best thing you can do as a parent in my opinion is to support them in being who they are. That's it.
I think that's the main guideline indeed...

After I must admit that while I have 3 kids, I would have hard time to know how to implement this "to support them" on such a case.

I mean, beyond assuring him/her of my unconditional love and being an hear to listen, I wouldn't know which advises would be the good to give...
So I guess such an article could help others. Especially if the OP thinks he did mistakes and can warn others about it...
Why give advice? No need really. They know who they are better than anyone. As you said, assuring them that you're there whatever is awesome.
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Jac459
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Post 01 Feb 2023

MrFigg wrote:
01 Feb 2023

Why give advice? No need really. They know who they are better than anyone. As you said, assuring them that you're there whatever is awesome.
Yeah.... Actually. I wouldn't know if giving advises or not... certainly in doubt I wouldn't ..
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motuscott
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Post 01 Feb 2023

Respect.
Gonna turn off the motus for 1 post cos I know nothing about this.
Or parenting in general, Tip 'o the Hat. Sincerely
Who’s using the royal plural now baby? 🧂

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miscend
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Post 01 Feb 2023

Do you have a background in Psychology or similar?

rorystorm
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Post 02 Feb 2023

lol, I have no time for terfs, I just don't need to go down the rabbit of arguing on the internet...again.

Im coming at this from an education background and as the parent of a non binary person. When my kid started identifying I nerded out and did a bunch of reading, and it was pretty awful how negative even the most supportive literature was. The idea to write something has been simmering for a long time and now I'm finally acting on it - I want to talk about how being the parent of a queer child should be something to celebrate, not something to be anxious about.

Anyway thank you for the supportive messages and again, please feel free to PM me if you have any thoughts or experiences you want to share.

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MrFigg
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Post 02 Feb 2023

rorystorm wrote:
02 Feb 2023
lol, I have no time for terfs, I just don't need to go down the rabbit of arguing on the internet...again.

Im coming at this from an education background and as the parent of a non binary person. When my kid started identifying I nerded out and did a bunch of reading, and it was pretty awful how negative even the most supportive literature was. The idea to write something has been simmering for a long time and now I'm finally acting on it - I want to talk about how being the parent of a queer child should be something to celebrate, not something to be anxious about.

Anyway thank you for the supportive messages and again, please feel free to PM me if you have any thoughts or experiences you want to share.
Maybe you don’t want to say but what age is the child in question?
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MuttReason
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Post 02 Feb 2023

No dramas required IMO.

I think there are three simple rules in life.

Rule 1. Be who you really are, not what others think you should be.

Rule 2. Treat everyone you meet with kindness, courtesy and respect, whatever their status and beliefs.

Rule 3. If Rule 1 conflicts with Rule 2, then Rule 2 prevails.

That’s it. Works for me, anyway.

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MrFigg
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Post 02 Feb 2023

MuttReason wrote:
02 Feb 2023
No dramas required IMO.

I think there are three simple rules in life.

Rule 1. Be who you really are, not what others think you should be.

Rule 2. Treat everyone you meet with kindness, courtesy and respect, whatever their status and beliefs.

Rule 3. If Rule 1 conflicts with Rule 2, then Rule 2 prevails.

That’s it. Works for me, anyway.
That’s exactly it. And the OP, it would seem, is only trying the best he can to be supportive of his kid. You can’t ask for a better parent than that.
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MuttReason
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Post 02 Feb 2023

MrFigg wrote:
02 Feb 2023
That’s exactly it. And the OP, it would seem, is only trying the best he can to be supportive of his kid. You can’t ask for a better parent than that.
Yep, for sure. My wife and I have raised three kids (now adults in their 20s) with these three rules in mind. Worked for us, and them. Raising kids is the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life (and I’ve had some really tough jobs over the years, and I don’t just mean desk jobs or music gigs).

Your job as a parent is to give your kids ‘roots and wings’. Roots so they feel safe to come back to you at any point in their lives, and wings so they can leave the nest and thrive. But it’s damn hard work.

It’s also the single most expensive thing I’ve ever done (and am still doing… young adults in their 20s are still ‘on the books’ for a lot of parents).

In fact over the years I’ve used the cost of childrearing as an attempt to justify my latest music gear GAS purchase… “honestly, that boutique effects pedal was SO much less expensive than a week of kindergarten fees, and I’ll keep it for years!”. For the record, from a marital harmony perspective that particular justification tactic has never, ever worked… :-)

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MrFigg
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Post 02 Feb 2023

MuttReason wrote:
02 Feb 2023
MrFigg wrote:
02 Feb 2023
That’s exactly it. And the OP, it would seem, is only trying the best he can to be supportive of his kid. You can’t ask for a better parent than that.
Yep, for sure. My wife and I have raised three kids (now adults in their 20s) with these three rules in mind. Worked for us, and them. Raising kids is the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life (and I’ve had some really tough jobs over the years, and I don’t just mean desk jobs or music gigs).

Your job as a parent is to give your kids ‘roots and wings’. Roots so they feel safe to come back to you at any point in their lives, and wings so they can leave the nest and thrive. But it’s damn hard work.

It’s also the single most expensive thing I’ve ever done (and am still doing… young adults in their 20s are still ‘on the books’ for a lot of parents).

In fact over the years I’ve used the cost of childrearing as an attempt to justify my latest music gear GAS purchase… “honestly, that boutique effects pedal was SO much less expensive than a week of kindergarten fees, and I’ll keep it for years!”. For the record, from a marital harmony perspective that particular justification tactic has never, ever worked… :-)
Agree wholeheartedly with absolutely everything you just said. Three kids here too. I wrote on another thread that I, like you, sometimes use my kids as justification for music purchases. That’s their contribution :). In my case though the results are quite apparent. I get really happy when I hear them plinky plonking on the latest acquisition in the studio as opposed to mindlessly scrolling through 30 second hysteria on Tic-Toc.
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MuttReason
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Post 02 Feb 2023

MrFigg wrote:
02 Feb 2023
Agree wholeheartedly with absolutely everything you just said. Three kids here too. I wrote on another thread that I, like you, sometimes use my kids as justification for music purchases. That’s their contribution :). In my case though the results are quite apparent. I get really happy when I hear them plinky plonking on the latest acquisition in the studio as opposed to mindlessly scrolling through 30 second hysteria on Tic-Toc.
Well the great irony is that two of my three kids have grown up to love music as much as I do and now regularly help themselves to bits of gear in my music room “just to try them out”… at which point the gear in question goes missing for months. I guess it’s karmic revenge for me using the expense associated with their upbringing to attempt to justify my GAS purchases.

Well done you for getting your kids off Tik-Tok and down into the studio… but if I were you as they get older you might want to start locking stuff to the desk with Kensington locks :-) :-)

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Loque
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Post 02 Feb 2023

Mod note: careful with this topic. It's normally not allowed to discuss things like this here and OP asked for PM.
If you feel the need to post, follow the rules.
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MrFigg
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Post 02 Feb 2023

Loque wrote:
02 Feb 2023
Mod note: careful with this topic. It's normally not allowed to discuss things like this here and OP asked for PM.
If you feel the need to post, follow the rules.
To be fair Loque, the OP didn’t ask for a discussion about transgender issues or the rights and wrongs or politics. He asked if anyone could help him become better enabled as a parent to support his child. I do respect the Mod note and rules of the forum though so no problem there.
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selig
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Post 02 Feb 2023

MrFigg wrote:
02 Feb 2023
Loque wrote:
02 Feb 2023
Mod note: careful with this topic. It's normally not allowed to discuss things like this here and OP asked for PM.
If you feel the need to post, follow the rules.
To be fair Loque, the OP didn’t ask for a discussion about transgender issues or the rights and wrongs or politics. He asked if anyone could help him become better enabled as a parent to support his child. I do respect the Mod note and rules of the forum though so no problem there.
Actually, he asked for PMs with feedback for his article, not help to be better enabled as a parent. And then said he would not be discussing the politics. It may be time for this thread to be locked since it has likely fulfilled it’s initial purpose, I’ll wait to see how the OP feels about that.
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MrFigg
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Post 02 Feb 2023

selig wrote:
02 Feb 2023
MrFigg wrote:
02 Feb 2023


To be fair Loque, the OP didn’t ask for a discussion about transgender issues or the rights and wrongs or politics. He asked if anyone could help him become better enabled as a parent to support his child. I do respect the Mod note and rules of the forum though so no problem there.
Actually, he asked for PMs with feedback for his article, not help to be better enabled as a parent. And then said he would not be discussing the politics. It may be time for this thread to be locked since it has likely fulfilled it’s initial purpose, I’ll wait to see how the OP feels about that.
Aa. Ok. I read “ I want to talk about how being the parent of a queer child should be something to celebrate, not something to be anxious about. ” and thought it was asking about how one should do that. I don’t think rights, wrongs or politics were actually discussed (yet) but as you say he asked for PMs so the thread maybe should have been locked after the initial post? I do however think that calls for the thread to be deleted are disconcerting and I stand by that.
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rorystorm
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Post 02 Feb 2023

ahh, okay. Just for clarification's sake.

- I'm 100% not seeking any parenting guidance for myself. I have a really comfortable relationship with both my children so this isn't really for my own benefit.

- what I *am* looking for is the thoughts and experiences of either:
parents of queer children (either same-sex attracted or transgender/nonbinary)
queer people who are comfortable discussing their relationship with their parents.
for the specific purpose of writing an article for parents whose kids are in the early stages of identifying as queer - ie, what would they like to say to someone whose kid was just coming out. I think it would be kind of bogus to solely write from my own pretty privileged position without input from other people with differing experiences.

Again - please PM me if you're interested in providing me with any information, I'd really value it.

Thanks once again for your understanding - great to see how invested everyone is in their children on here!!!!!

sidebar: I spent saturday morning with my 11 year old writing music, and when I say 'writing music' I mean, acting as my kid's engineer. They came round with a bunch of ideas about sampling and looping some Lorde songs and ended up re-inventing vaporwave completely independently. Children's creativity is incredible.

Another sidebar, which is it's worth thinking about the importance of electronic music in the development of queer rights over the last fifty years. But that's a story for another day.

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bxbrkrz
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Post 02 Feb 2023

Are you getting paid for that article? Yes or No.
757365206C6F67696320746F207365656B20616E73776572732075736520726561736F6E20746F2066696E6420776973646F6D20676574206F7574206F6620796F757220636F6D666F7274207A6F6E65206F7220796F757220696E737069726174696F6E2077696C6C206372797374616C6C697A6520666F7265766572

rorystorm
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Post 02 Feb 2023

bxbrkrz wrote:
02 Feb 2023
Are you getting paid for that article? Yes or No.
No

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plaamook
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Post 02 Feb 2023

MuttReason wrote:
02 Feb 2023
No dramas required IMO.

I think there are three simple rules in life.

Rule 1. Be who you really are, not what others think you should be.

Rule 2. Treat everyone you meet with kindness, courtesy and respect, whatever their status and beliefs.

Rule 3. If Rule 1 conflicts with Rule 2, then Rule 2 prevails.

That’s it. Works for me, anyway.
Quite right
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Or here.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC73uZZ ... 8jqUubzsQg

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challism
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Post 02 Feb 2023

plaamook wrote:
02 Feb 2023
MuttReason wrote:
02 Feb 2023
No dramas required IMO.

I think there are three simple rules in life.

Rule 1. Be who you really are, not what others think you should be.

Rule 2. Treat everyone you meet with kindness, courtesy and respect, whatever their status and beliefs.

Rule 3. If Rule 1 conflicts with Rule 2, then Rule 2 prevails.

That’s it. Works for me, anyway.
Quite right
Perhaps we should add these to the forum rules.
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